Thursday, December 12, 2013


Our seemingly small choices have such a large impact. The mundane choices, over time add up to our life. For instance me choosing to have lucky charms every morning, will probably result in diabetes or obesity – either way not ideal. So there are the small daily choices that we make, and then there are the huge, life altering ones. I don’t know if we always realize the impact our choices have on the rest of our lives.
What if choosing to talk to that stranger turns out to be your best friend, or even perhaps your soul mate? Maybe it’s the seemingly meaningless encounters that change the course of our lives. Igniting a passion, opening your eyes to new experiences. On the flip side, maybe it’s the moments that we don’t listen to that inside voice, leading to your dreams being shattered and feeling so broken you are only left with “If only I had listened”
Every one of our choices has a consequence – good or bad.
Sometimes we make our choices with the purest of intentions. And maybe they just backfired. I know I’m living in that right now.
In my life I have always chosen to live passionately. At times, recklessly. Out of high school I chose to live out my passion of helping and working with kids. I was young, a little dumb - naive. I wasn’t in it for the money, it was a chance to spread my wings, live in the moment and make a difference. I had so many signs to not do it. I was urged to come home, to not stay – but I did anyways. I truly felt that it was where I was supposed to be. Stubbornness? Perhaps. Or the idealist in me truly believed I was doing something good – changing lives. I was 19, what did I know?
All I know is I became very sick. At first I thought it was a bad flu, run down, over worked – too much sun. I had a fever so bad I was wearing a down jacket in 45 degree weather. When I couldn’t breathe I thought my asthma was acting up. When I couldn’t keep food down and the muscles in my legs gave way I finally realized it was time to go home. It wasn’t an easy or a popular choice where I was, and it caused a lot of friction. Still unsure the cause; whether it was the living conditions, mice, I got bit – I still have no idea what caused the virus (however waking up to mice running across your chest is a feeling I don’t relish) but at the end of the day the virus attached itself to my heart.
I barely remember the next 6 months. My immune system crashed so bad I couldn’t even handle getting a small cold and I could hardly get out of bed. Thankfully after months of my parents taking care of me and good medical care my body got stronger and returned to almost normal.
It’s crazy to think that a simple choice at the time could affect my life in such a dramatic way. I really had to learn to trust God and depend that He could protect my life.
So life went on – and now 7 years later I’m still experiencing the effects of a virus on my heart – from what now seems like a dumb idealistic moment in time. Trust me, I’ve made some way more idiotic choices in my life, and miraculously I’m still kicking lol
Mostly I feel fine, and then there are these moments when the pain is so bad it terrifies me. So – I’m scared. I usually laugh it off and say “My heart thinks its batman” or “it does party tricks” but truthfully when it happens I get scared. It’s the knowledge that something isn’t working the way it’s supposed to, and it’s out of my control. I hate not feeling in control. I like to think I’m tougher than I am. So I choose to laugh it off – honestly inside often times I’m freaking the heck out.
And I get it, who wants to date the girl with the heart condition? Lol (However I am thinking of making t-shirts that say “ do you know CPR because you give me tachycardia”) And I’m not having a heart attack and I’m going to guess and say I’m not in immediate danger, but they are still doing testing and there’s a lot of unknowns right now.
But I guess in the midst of it all, it puts things into perspective. I don’t really care that your aunts, cousins dog has fleas, or that the coffee pot has finger prints on it. And I’m aware that the stapler running out is a national emergency – but life is SO much bigger than all of those things. I get to work with people every day that dedicate their lives to helping others, which is pretty cool. There is so much need in so many different areas around us. There are people who literally have no homes. I complain because I have to scrape the ice off my windshield in the morning, but at least I have a windshield to scrape and a job I need to get to. Sometimes we have no idea the impact our choices have on the lives of others – on their day, add them all up - on their life.
I’d rather be crazy passionate in the life I have and try to make the lives of others around me a little bit better when I can – than live safely and not take risks.
I’m not saying I don’t cry or occasionally feel sorry for myself I do. And I usually couple that up with some lucky charms and fluffy socks. But I try to laugh. Because life is usually straight up funny. And it feels a lot better to laugh.
So – life is crazy. It’s made up of a lot of seemingly insignificant moments that really aren’t that insignificant at all.
SO I want to live purposefully. Remember what matters – love the people who fall into my life – even the unlovable ones, because they are usually the ones that teach me the most.

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