As my 25th year draws to a close, I like to think back over my last year, all the crazy things that have happened and changed. Some good, bad, heartbreaking and exhilarating. Life has been consistent with its changes. If I could have predicted my year – it would have been so different than what it looks like now.
Funny how fast life changes – in a blink of an eye we go from predictable circumstances – to things we never even imagined (and trust me I have pretty crazy imagination)
I feel that now that my 1st quarter of a century is over – I breathe a sigh of relief – it’s like a fresh start – a new chapter and I look forward with excitement for what lies ahead.
I’ve been learning to keep my heart open and my palms up. For so long I’ve approached my life with fists up, defensive – cynical. And while there are those who would say experiences have entitled me – I’m choosing a different approach. Because not only have I fought life vs. embracing life – it has been evident in every area of my life. Love, relationships – spiritually. And this year – I’m choosing a different path.
I’m choosing to be ALIVE. Not waiting for the right things to happen before I start. I’m starting now. So much time I’ve wasted waiting for the right person, in the right event, a right time – time just slips away.
Its easy to blame people or circumstances like “oh they held me back” or I gave up so much because of this person, or that event. And while it may be true – the real honest truth is that I CHOSE to do those things. Its my life and I alone am responsible for what I do with it. At the end of my life I don’t want to look back and say I wish I would have done the things I was passionate about, but I couldn’t because someone held me back – I do however want to say that I lived life fully to my potential, with passion and uninhibited by any circumstance or individual in my life.
I guess what I’m trying to say and I know I’m rambling – is that I just want to be alive. I want really feel life, not rush from place to place, but savor the moments in front of me.
The 3am chats with my best friend, laughing till my stomach hurts, seeing a need and DOING something about it, spending time with my family uninterrupted by the noise of our busy world.
I want to be still enough in spirit that I can actually feel God all around me.
I want to look out on our frozen morning and see the beauty of the frost instead of how fast I can get to work so I can warm up.
I want to invest and grow spiritually, feel deeply the gratitude of a God who has not given up on me; time and time again proven Himself faithful and loving – even when I do my best to ignore His voice – that’s what I want my life to look like.
I’m tired of making the choices I have, the ones that have broken me, made me ashamed and frightened to be alive. So I’m striving to make better ones – live my life with purpose.
If you’re still reading thanks for reading all the way till the end – life is a crazy journey isn’t it? But man I’m glad it’s a journey and thanks for being on this one with me.